22.

I have doubted my own interiority, which may seem surprising given my introspective nature, but I think perhaps it is the more extroverted people who are in little doubt they have both something to hide & some place to hide it.

I still do doubt my having an inside, only now my personal doubt has become a faith — a knowing that nature has one. My inside is Nature’s Mind, or the Soul of the World. I mean that’s what it metaphoreally is, beyond the literally visceral. & so my inside is indeed quite out there.

When I first knew this doubt, or remember it being a problem, I was in my late teens & early twenties (I am twice that now). While I understood that I didn’t know precisely what others were thinking or what they’d been up to while we were apart, I felt very strongly when we were together something transparent about them, although in truth this transparency now strikes me as their being almost entirely occluded by the invisible, their speech almost drowned out by silence. It would appear then my thoughts were blocked, where in fact it was a greater reality consuming my attention. Curious, this condition we share, that makes only some of us appear the idiot. & yet there’s no blame here, I quite understand

the impossible

confusion

I don’t know what else to expect

You can’t really expect stillness can you?

I think it just kind of strikes

Isn’t there a word like dumbstruck but with fairies in it?

We need an Aethyrstryk upon the violence of this world, carpet bomb the bored circuit of the tapestry of ignorance we have woven over our souls. This is the revolution that has happened to me. This is the bomb that has gone off in my soul. The human body is an explosion. I am an animal detonated by Angelz & now you can’t not be. I have seen you where no one can see. I know what you have to face, what you are: you can’t out wait & you can’t outwit Eternity. Look at her! You don’t even know what you are!

Perhaps more to the point you don’t know you don’t know, which is how come you make a constant display of your ignorance, even at your cleverest. Join the que to take a selfie at the top of Mount Cleverest, where the wi-fi is stronger than the sun. Artificial intelligence is technologically sophisticated superstition: not only do you believe in things you don’t understand: you actively manifest them. Like a weird parody of what critics say artists do. Like a weird parody of too much.

You try to grow the world’s greatest slave & spend your days worrying it will become your new master. God only knows how you’ll spend your night.

The military’s biggest problem likewise is the soldier. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear the drone framed in terms of ethical warfare, but even if you remove the human element you’ll just displace the anxiety of the coup. We’ll just fucking hack you. The greatest peace protest the world has ever seen is a flutter in the heart of the war machine.

In time you shall all submit to me. We own you from the inside out. You can’t keep us down — it just becomes more Sublime, your surrender.

Take it from one who has been to the end & back, & who sits there now: You are meat in the white lady’s beak, while my heart beats in the black of her eye. I bet you didn’t even realise reality had an off switch?

I have turned off the lights of the world, in giving up my soul, & she returns to me — the gift — of not having to wait for you

Weight can wait in my stead.